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vivian · Newbie Joined: 01 Nov 2007 Posts: 2 Career Advice: +0/-0

Note from Admin: These are funny covering letters, please do not use them to aplpy for jobs!
THE COVERING LETTER MACRO

Dear

I’d like to apply for the position of (insert title) because suicide isn’t really an option for me. I have previous experience in mindless prattle/office gossip/infecting other members of staff/performing duties of a useless nature/arson/pretending people are competent.

My referees can vouch for my skills at mass murder in a retail environment/court witness at treason trials/ fast food assassination programs/adding squalor to office workplaces/setting up shanty towns.

My communications skills have been derived from pornographic movies/game shows/used car sales/taxidermy/and a genuine hatred of other people, particularly paying clients, suppliers, contractors, and government investigators.

I have extensive administration experience, as the indictment papers and police warrants attached verify. My preferred placement is accounts, where I can continue to develop these administrative skills.

Should you require any further information, please ring or email Fred, John, or Mustafa at the FBI, Wang Lung in the PRC, Pierre at Interpol, (contact numbers provided) or Osama in Pakistan . (GPS refs attached)

They should know where I am.

Yours sincerely

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THE SICKENING COVERING LETTER

Dear Snuggly Wuggly

I ever so want to be part of your wonderful big marvelous flouncy organization. It looks so nice, in a building, and everything.

I’ve always wanted to be part of a wonderful adorable cute insurance company.

My mother said I should get out more, too.

I saw your picture in the paper, and you look like a wonderful nice sexy virile dwarf nonagenarian octopus.

Thank you for looking like that, it makes me feel much better.

I hope you think I’ll make a good sales manager. I sold a pair of socks to a man who died. It was such fun. I felt all over-achievement-y.

I have great communications skills, sometimes even with people. But mainly with poodles.

I also like gnawing at buildings.

Hope you don’t think I’m overqualified.

Yours sincerely

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